The Tasmanian Devil

My child has become the child you are afraid to send your child to school with. Today she bit a kid because he took Funny Bunny. There is more to it than that but ultimately she was in the wrong.
Yesterday she was supposed to put away her toy and she didn't and then threw a fit about it. She punched, kick and spit at the teach and through a real phone at her. She then pushed book shelf that landed on another child (the older sister of the child was bitten by Noodle 2 weeks ago). Then she a totally freaked out on my husband at the super market because he didn't get her muffins. He asked her twice if she wanted them and she didn't respond. When they got to the check out she melted down because he didn't get them. She then became that child you see and feel appreciative that it isn't your child. First there was the screaming then her head started spinning around she tried kicking and telling her dad she was going to kill him (she got that from school, we don't talk like that). Last week she was ok because she went to school late and was picked up early and had a whole hooky day with her dad extra-curriclum day with her father. Now that she is back into her normal schedule she is falling apart again.
Two weeks ago she had similar scenarios that she had this week.
The guilt I feel around this is daunting. This stuff is going on and I am not even here to help, Hubby has to handle all this on his own. Of course, as a friend recently said about this, even she has guilt about these situations and she doesn't travel.
Do we get extra help while I am out of town?
Do we shorten her school day (I am not sure we can even do that)?
The teacher is concerned our daughter is anxious about going to school next fall, etc... We need to reduce her anxiety, stop talking about school in the fall, stuff like that.
Oh, I haven't been blogging because my job sucks so badly right now I can't even begin to explain beyond I worked until 11:30 at night Mon - Wed this week and I am still a week behind because the applicaiton I am working with sucks rocks is fragile. I will be working all weekend when Noodle is doing other things (sleeping, play dates, etc...) and my 'management team' is mediocre at best. I am not sure what they are managing but it isn't this project.
Yeah, the kid is responding to her environment. Her mom is stressed and her dad is a single parent 4 days a week. Changing that environment is not that easy.
Damnit.

Happy Birthday Time

The tiny writing at the bottom says:
Directions to sellout: Forget dreams, decide to make a lot of money, meet with Devil, sell soul.
We asked Noodle if she wanted a small party this year (last year there were about 25 kids and parents and siblings totalling about 75 people in all). She said sure, she only wanted to invite all her friends from school (13) plus all the kids from the old neighborhood (12) plus this child and that child and that child and this child (another 12) plus siblings and family so we are expecting about 100. Feel free to join us, the more the merrier. We will have a keg for the adults, bring a dish if you want, the barb-b-que will have a veggie selection too.

PS - We totally spoil our child and we love to kick down a big party so please don't comment saying something to the effect that we spoil her, we know we spoil her. We love a big party, what better thing to celebrate than our only child's birth? We do this once a year and it rocks and there isn't a petting zoo or any big things.

The List Progresses

Remember this post? here's the progress report...
BTW - I have a much better post but I can't get it to it right now because I am so damned busy at work.
The list:
Item / Status
1. Tickle Noodle's tummy / Complete
2. Bring Noodle Lucky Charms / Complete (she got none last week but I got 4 boxes for her this week)
3. Not lose my job by getting into a fist fight with my client /Complete - we are all behaving
4. Not get argumentitive with my client/ Complete - we are all behaving
5. Figure Out the kitty litter situation/ Complete but needs follow up to monitor that the kitty pees in it instead of on hubby.
6. Fret about recent legislature in South Dakota / Complete - See this post
7. Get a tax ID for my mom's estate so I can flip it to a trust/Complete (this is really easy and free so if you ever have to do this let me know and I can help you get a tax ID number in minutes)
8. Do expenses...ugh...expenses/ ummmm
9. Take out all dead plants I forgot to water this winter/ Complete (but some are still on back patio)

I can't upload pictures right now, it is a blogger issue (I wouldn't understand), but if I could I will load up a picture of Christopher Eccleston. He was Jude in the Thomas Hardy movie and he was the Duke of Norfolk in Elizabeth, he was in the Brittish version of Cracker, and he is now Dr Who on the Sci -Fi channel (Dr Who was my favorite kid sci-fi show). Until recently there was noone on my list of 'if they showed up at my door I would run off with them' because, well, for me, Hubby is hands down the hottest guy in the world. Before we married I had a list (so did Hubby... we would joke about it). Over time my list has depleted. But, if Eccleston showed up, it would be a hard choice. I think it is his nose, there's just something about Mr Eccleston that I swoon about.

Ok, back to expenses...

Update: Expenses are done (until tomorrow when I will have more...talk about a sysyphan task).
PS - Has anyone been watching Sopranos recently? It kind of sucks.

A Classic Poem Revisited

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war
Where everyone hugs, Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug
Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins.
-- Shel Silverstein

my version:

I will not play at mommy wars

I'd rather drink at sleazy bars

where everyone's tipsy, instead of lippy

where everyone's singing

and just kind of dippy

where everyone smiles, and and everyone's thin and except for our livers, everyone wins.

Honey, You know I Love you, right?

Picture this: a dark bedroom at 4 in the afternoon, a wife enters the bedroom smelling like dead fish, a husband naps waiting to hear why the wife smells like dead fish and she seems a little excited, maybe a little on edge....
Me: Hubby, You know I Love you, right? And I don't do passive aggressive things anymore because I know you won't leave me so I can just get in your face and its all good, we work it out, right? The things I did this afternoon were truly innocent.
Hubby: IDKHSDI (I don't know how she does it), What did you do?
Me: The Electrical thing or the chemical thing?
Hubby: Just start talking.
Me: Um, Well, I got a little excited trimming the hedge and I trimmed the eletrical cord to the hedge trimmer.
Hubby: What color was the electrical Cord?
Me: bright orange
Hubby: Next
Me: The back yard smells like Scituate harbor at low tide
Hubby: Huh?
Me: Well, I just wanted to fertilize the hedge I trimmed with something that won't give Noodle cancer. The smell will go away soon...
Hubby: When?
Me: Soon, really, it's supposed to rain Tuesday...

See what my husband puts up with?

Which Simpsons Character Are you?

You Are Barney

You could have been an intellectual leader... Instead, your whole life is an homage to beer You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps Your life philosophy: "There's nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem."

The Simpsons Personality Test
I was sure I wouldn't be Barney. Thanks to Granny Ann for this funny one...

This is why I fret...

Exact quote from State Senator Bill Napoli's (R-SD) from PBS News Hour:
BILL NAPOLI: A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.
(Over on the left, that is Napoli, who I like to think of as Rat Bastard)

My Very Sarcastic Response:
1. Obviously non-virgins are sluts and should be forced to carry a 'child/fetus/whatever'* to term because they deserve nothing better. Afterward they should probably go to jail as a prophalyctic measure to make sure they don't tempt another man to force himself on her. Oh, they should have a big red S on their chest too.
2. Obviously non-religious girls / women should be forced to carry a 'C/F/W' to term because women who aren't religious are obviously sluts who deserve nothing better. They should have a big red SA on their chest (slutty atheist)
3. Obviously women who decide not to save their virginity until they are married are whores and should be forced to carry a 'C/F/W' to term if they are raped. These women should have a letter but I am not sure which one yet. Any ideas? As an aside - I actually have a lot of respect for women who make it to their wedding night as a virgin, it means they either are stronger than their hormones (those crazy, adolescent hormones) or they have actually no sexual interest in their partner and are marrying for money (Go Money!).
4. Obviously girls/women who are raped but not "brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated" will have no emotional issues after the rape. Ever.

This man is an elected official and he has somewhat antediluvian beliefs about rape. Guess what... I don't think he's alone. I think maybe this guy, and this guy, and this guy are thinking the same thoughts. The third guy isn't elected but noone gets elected without him these days. I think maybe they have been reading too much on line porn where a woman was raped but ended up really liking it. Guess what, I have never heard about a woman who had that happen to them in real life. Sorry, it sounds like men justifying violence to women.

Thanks to Sozzled for this link (not that she knows she did it).

*I am not getting hung up on semantics of when life starts. This is about the woman and not C/F/W. Everyone has an opinion about when life starts and I am not going to start that discussion here. This is about violence and force.

To Do List

By the end of the week
1. Tickle Noodle's tummy
2. Bring Noodle Lucky Charms
3. Not lose my job by getting into a fist fight with my client
4. Not get argumentitive with my client
5. Figure Out the kitty litter situation
6. Fret about recent legislature in South Dakota
7. Get a tax ID for my mom's estate so I can flip it to a trust
8. Do expenses...ugh...expenses
9. Take out all dead plants I forgot to water this winter.

By the end of the month
10. Flip mom's estate to a trust (sounds fancier and richer than it is)
11. Secure financing for condo in San Francisco
12. Do taxes for us
13. Do taxes for mom's estate
14. Fret about recent legislature in South Dakota
14.5 Plan Noodle's 5th b-day

By the end of April
15. Clean Out mom's house
16. Move mom's cats from Boston to Asheville
17. Move step father to San Francisco
18. Fret about recent legislature in South Dakota
19. paint the living room (I bought the paint last November)
19.5 Have Noodle's fifth birthday party.
19.75 Celebrate Hubby's b-day (are they over there giggling about their b-day party or just being goofy about a banana?).

By the End of June (I hope)
20. Sell Mother's house
21. Buy a condo in San Francisco
22. Lose 20 pounds
23. Fret about recent legislature in South Dakota

On-Going
24. Die rich (because that's what smart women do)

Not too bad, I left out all domestic responsibilities like laundry and stuff...

Slobbering Pre-school Disease

Having recovered from the dog bite, Noodle has moved on to what appears to be Mononucleosis. I was sure we wouldn't have to worry about this until she was 14. Unfortuantely, I was wrong. One of her classmates has been confirmed with the disease and now our poor sweet child has the symptoms as well:
She sleeps and sleeps and sleeps (and continues to want to sleep or watch TV or read but not play or at least not for long)
She has a low grade fever
She has no appetite
As a side note, her cat is loving it, they have been cuddling like kittens for days. I am not sure the cat has forgiven me about the bath yet but he smells so much better now.

When I had mono I was 5'4" inches tall and by the end I weighed 88 pounds. I started at a healthy weight and ended at a really gross skinny weight. This was before Ensure existed. Sounds like this is hitting both coasts (or my daughter and Wiffleboy's daughter have been swapping spit somewhere in the midwest without our knowing about it, I sort of doubt it). I think about how I watched 16 candles 17 times because I couldn't click the clicker to change the channel. I heard Aha, Take on Me (how's that for an earworm) over and over again on the local Boston video channel, V-66 (back before MTV stomped out the competition). I also saw Something Wicked This Way Comes and over and over again. I love Jason Robards, he was my mono-father. Good times, Good times. Actually they were really sucky times but V-66 was cool.
I was thinking about doing something to cheer up the baby monster since I am intensely guilt ridden at times like this. I am on the road, she is sick, I want to just cuddle her and let her know how much I love her. I, of course, think about buying her something to assuage my guilt. So I went to the Edible Arrangements website, we have one in Asheville now and they make pretty arrangements like this:

It's gorgeous, isn't it and looks so nutritious with a price tag of almost $70. I am not kidding. I love my daughter but there is no guarantee she will even eat it so she doesn't get it. Then I thought of a cookie bouquet, cookies always make me feel better but she is sick, I shouldn't do that until she is at least 5 and can self-regulate eating a bouquet of iced sugar cookies. That happens at five, right? The ability to self-regulate eating sweets? I am 34 and it hasn't happened yet but I thought I was the exception, not the norm. I will bring her little boxes of Lucky Charms from the hotel breakfat, I know that will cheer her up.

I wish I could just go home right now and wrap my arms around her and kiss her lots and lots. That would be a CLM (career limiting move) so I will stay here since I am running a CRP (conference room pilot) and they (everyone, including strangers) are looking to me to get shit done.

Deadlines

It is amazing how my insomnia disappears when I am under a tight deadline....
Update: Noodle is fine, getting a Polly Pocket at J didn't hurt. I still want to kick the dog.

Not a Good Week

Let's work backwards...
1. I had to give the cat a bath tonight because he smelled like cat urine. He stunk and he had kitty litter matted in his fur and it was really gross. Ever try to give a cat a bath? He is clean now although I am not sure he will ever love me again.
2. Today at 6 pm my brother's dog bit my child. BIT MY CHILD. So after I got done wanting to kick the dog (skip that, I still want to kick the f'ing dog), I had to comfort my brother and my child. Things between me and my brother have been strained recently for many many reasons and THIS DIDN'T HELP. Background on the dog: the dog has never shown any violent tendencies and we were all a little shocked this happened. needless to say the dog is canus non grata in our home.
BTW, the child is fine, her ear was a little red and we cuddled her for a long time while she watched Lazy Town.
2.5 I love Noggin and I loathe Lazy Town. I wished Noodle loved 64 Zoo Lane as much as I did.

3. I couldn't connect with my child today (probably because she felt the anger pouring out of my pores and was terrified about it). I tried and I couldn't. We spent most of the day together but I was sort of lame and we had an ok time but we normally have a huge time together, even if we are just folding laundry or drawing or something. We had an ok day but it wasn't great. No time outs (for either of us), although she brought her best friend to tears and we still aren't sure why.
4. I don't get to sleep in much, I don't like to or need to (see my description about myself). Usually hubby does on the weekends and that's fine. But, once in a-fucking-while, I NEED to. I needed to this morning, desperately, I have sinus issues right now and slept horribly. And tomorrow I have to get up at 7 and work all fucking day because I am incredibly behind at work and I have client facing meetings all week to show them their cool new purchasing system that I can't get to work. ARGH!!!!
5. Yesterday I did not get one thing completed. Not one, not home wise, not work wise, not anything wise. We did go use PNO and go to a bar with friends but I couldn't really make small talk. We did discuss vasectomies, much to the embarrassment of my unsnipped hubby (ha ha ha) but I felt like I needed to crawl out of my skin for most of the night. We then decided to get chocolate at a yummy bakery before getting our child at 10 pm and we ran into some acquaintances that drive us crazy. They asked us to sit with them so we did to be poilte because they were neighbors of really good friends of ours and we are sort of polite people ( just sort of though). The male of the "sort of annoying" couple then told us how nasty the bathroom was while I tried to eat an eclair and my husband tried to each chocolate cake. His retelling of his visit sounded like something out of Trainspotting. I will leave the rest to your imagination. We couldn't finish our choclate. Yes, I left chocolate unfinished it was that graphic.
4. Last night the cat slept at the vet so they could get a urine sample. When we were able to to get him he reaked of cat urine. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Yesterday I brought the cat to the vet, he should have gone Tuesday for a follow up for the weekend emergency. The vet is halfway between our house and Noodle's school. The house hubby works on is 2 doors down from where we live (2 doors closer to the school than our house). We live 4/10's of a mile from Noodle's school. Ergo, the vet is 2/10's of a mile from our house. Hubby couldn't be bothered with getting the cat to the vet. He did tell me the cat was going to go Tuesday during lunch...and then Wednesday during lunch...He went Friday. Because I brought him. Instead of me doing the work I absolutely have to do for meetings next week, I brought our poor sweet sick (damn) cat to the vet. I wouldn't have even cared about this if he hadn't told me he was going to do it. (Note to Hubby, Yes dear, I love that you folded the laundry this week...thanks). Update on the cat, he gets wet food for the rest of his life or at least the next month. Wet food is better for cats than dry food because cats need more water than they get with kibble and water alone. And, cats should nto pee anywhere other than the boxes and out doors. If they do they are either mad at you for not cleaning the litter enough or they are sick.
5. Thursday I had meetings with my client about how they want to do their requisitioning processes. They basically want everyone of the 6000 people in the company to approve a requisition before someone can buy something, anything. Duh. This may be a bit of an embellishment but it didn't feel like it at the time.
6. Wednesday I was told by the client I was a liar because the reporting tool they purchased cannot calculate totals they way they want unless I create a view and then they report from the view. I am not supposed to be writing views. That is considered techincal and I am supposed to be doing a non-technical implementation. This woman yelled at me at 8 in the morning. Bad bad bad. She walked away after I waited until she was done. I didn't grovel, I didn't get argumentitive, I just waited, and then I printed the documentation that showed the software they bought wouldn't do what they wanted. And then I spent 3 hours not getting ready for my meetings next week. I spent 3 hours writing the fucking view so she could have her fucking report. I no longer work for the company that built the damn software, I only implement it. I didn't tell them to buy this software and I am sick of being blamed for her world. Her company made decisions and I wasn't even here when the decisions were made, I really wanted to tell her to suck it up but that is not good consulting.
7. Tuesday I woke up with a full blown sinus infection that I still have Saturday night.
Here's the kind of love I am feeling right now: I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit I quit

We're Only Making Plans for Noodle

After long arduous discussions, ruminations and failed Mom-spirit summoning Hubby and I have decided to try to get Noodle into the Core curriculum school, then the Arts and Humanitites school and then the whacky experimental school. Here was my reasoning:
1. Great PTO/ volunteering prgram
2. Fairly close to home
3. I have been checking out what core curriculum is all about and I like it. At first I was a little taken a back by a book series that told me what my child should know but then when I read part of them (ok, the jackets) and I liked what it thought she should know.
4. The kindergarteners have their own entrance
5. The kindergarten rooms have their own bathrooms.
6. Funky art teacher.
7. The pricipal who made the arts & humanities school so wonderful has moved to the Core school.
8. I really liked the library and library director

I think those are good reasons. The whacky experimental school is the hardest school to get into in Asheville so putting it third rules it out, she will never get in there but also not go to one of the schools we didn't like.
Here is why I am still sort of wondering if this is the right choice (instead of the A&H):
1. The A&H school was a clean, well lit place... Hemmingway really had a good idea about clean, well lit places.
2. It has arts...and humanities...
3. A lot of our friends' kids are going there (the rest go to the whacky experimental school). Am I that clicky?
4. Great after school enrichment.

So, I think this is the final choice selection but we have until Friday to really choose....