Clothing Malfunction

My current client is pretty fun. Some of the people are pretty much bonkers but overall its a great project. One of the people who are bonkers is a DBA who is easily over 6 feet and easily 300 pounds. BIG GUY! You may be asking why I think he is bonkers?
He says he is, he acts like he is and he doesn't understand personal space.
maybe he just really likes me
Today he came to visit me about a problem he is having with the database we are working on. He sat next to me and pulled his chair up close to mine (fortunately he doesn't smell) and then leaned back and put his hands behind his head to start talking.You get the picture? Instead of his legs being crossed they were on the floor so I had a perfect view of his lap.
HIS.FLY.WAS.WIDE.OPEN
I immediately turned my eyes away (in horror). I looked up at his face but I was too freaked out to make eye contact, I looked over at one of my consultants. He could tell something was the matter because I am quite sure I was ashen.

But wait, it gets worse.

He then stands up and goes to the other side of the table so he is now directly across from me (being breezy) and leans over my co-worker's computer. His penis did not fall out of his pants (let's all praise the god of zippers for that). I looked up from picking at my fingernails to see him zip his fly up, look at me and turn very very red. Even though he was in the middle of a conversation he pretty much left the room.
I think the question here is: do you think he wears underwear?

My Own Personal 'In Good Company'

This week I headed back into the fold of traveling on a plane for work. I worked from home for a whole month and haven't flown for work in a long ass time. It's not like riding a bike. It's like greasing a rusty chain and then riding a bike. I am not only traveling, I have a travel schedule that is stupefying: in the month of August I will be in: Maine (3 days), Boston (6 hours), Asheville (9 days - yes, I live in Asheville and I will be there 9 days), Cincinnati (24 hours - if all goes well), Memphis (14 days), Atlanta (WAY TOO LONG), Charlotte (a few hours), Denver (a few hours), Colorado Springs (3 days) and Myrtle Beach/ North Carolina Shore (a few days). Although not all of it is travel for work, it is still all travel. The only part that had no work travel involved was the trip from Maine, via Boston to Asheville, via Atlanta. My head is spinning. I am worried I have forgotten to book a hotel or a car for part of this travel. I still wonder how I can get 6 days of clothes into my roller bag. I can't figure out how to not check my bag since let's face it...my Lush shampoo is clearly part of a terrorist threat. Checking a bag adds a lot of time to a business traveler's schedule.
Anyway - I was supposed to travel to DC this week to teach a class. This class was a little weird. I couldn't know exactly what I was teaching, nor could I know what I was teaching the class for. I was instructed I couldn't bring a cell phone with a camera into the class and I wouldn't know the student's names. They would be 'user01', 'user2', etc.... The class was for a government agency but I couldn't know which one. I could talk with some of the people who I was teaching but it was all very hush hush. It had something to do with maps. Tony thought they may be fighting the zombie threat so I was a perfect match for the class. I spent 4 weeks developing the curriculum. I can spend a remarkable amount of time developing a curriculum based on very little information. I think I have a future developing vaporware.
What I was really looking forward to was drinking with meeting SAGS, seeing some old friends who live in the DC area and be a secret agent girl for a few days. I have to ask...which 007 girl would I be? Please say Pussy Galore. The curriculum I developed was probably some of the worst work I have ever done. Vaporware development is tough work. And then, as I was sitting on the beach with Kara (if you don't know her link by now you are lost) last week we got the call. The class was cancelled. Phew.

BTW - that was your tax dollars that paid for me to work from home for a month. There are some great power point presentations I can show you if you want. They will beat insomnia soundly on the head.

After all that, I ended up in Memphis this week, feeling a need to buy some blue suede shoes and eat some ribs. The project will be great, I am managing a little project and it will go well. Eventually I will have a few people under me, right now there is only one. He is at least 20 years older than me.

He pronounces my name 'Ah-win.' He wears white polyester shirts. I am pretty sure I can see where there used to be a pocket projector. He smokes. He has a chemistry back ground but now does computer stuff.

He is a reincarnation of my father without the end stage cirrhotic liver.

I have managed people older than me before. I have even managed people with much more status in the company. I have never managed my father. I waver between thinking it is hilarious, since he has the same sense of humor as my dad (he has told two of the same puns I distinctly remembering my dad using) and being completely freaked out that he is a carbon copy of my dad.

Now I am in the Crown Room in Atlanta gnashing my teeth that my flight is delayed 4 hours. I will say, the Crown Room on Concourse C has great views of the the sunset. Too bad I shouldn't see it because I should be on a plane going home. I hope I can get my groove back on this whole flying for work thing. I will be doing it until January and this week I felt pretty out of shape.

Armpits and Toes Are Gross

Hi There...I have been deliquent in my blogging. New job! Living the Vida Loca! Whatever.
My new manager is actually a pretty good friend of mine and I have been concerned about blogging since starting the new company since she reads the blog. I hope she checked a few times after I started and then decided I gave up blogging. I figured to jump back into the fray with a Corporate America post. I have plenty of fodder about plenty of stuff, things have been busy, but today, this is all you get.

Jen over at jenorama asked for some tips when it comes to interviewing for a job. She has a new gig and asked for my input. She and I talk frequently about our work since we both have to negotiate contracts and whatnot. This time she asked about tips for getting a job, negotiating money, etc... etc.... So I emailed her the things I know work for me. The tips I listed have been built up over the years (since I have changed jobs every three years since I went corporate). Some of this I got from from another blogger so first, read some of Misfit Hausfrau's ideas on what not to do in an interview. She is in HR and has some sage advice.

My sure fire way to get more than you possibly thought you deserved when interviewing for a new job:
Interview techniques:
Overall Ideas:
1. Be positive but not a Pollyanna.
2. Don't advertise yourself as something you aren't.
3. Do advertise your strengths. Maybe you have some of the credentials of the job but not all but you are a good learner. If you have a past review saying you learned something quickly use that to leverage your abilities.
4. Leave the baggage behind. Maybe your last job wasn't fulfilling or didn't pay you enough or asked you to work crazy hours or they made you ride camels to work and you want something else because of it. What you are interviewing for is not where you currently are (even if you are a SAHM). They will ask why you want to work for them and you can spin the positive from the negative. Don't say 'I am bored to death in my current position', say 'I am looking for some new challenges with my career.' Instead of saying 'I hate camels' say 'My current employer and I have difference of opinion if some of the ways I have to carry out my position and I feel I have exhausted the avenues I have with my current company.' Instead of saying they pay horribly you can say 'I don't think my compensation was commiserate with my experience'. Its all about the spin.

Phone interviews:
1. Stop stammering. If you say 'Um' (or its equivalent) a lot then ask your partner or friend to flick you in the ear everytime you do it. You will stop quickly. Really.
2. Don't eat, chew gum or drink water on the phone. The interview will be over before you know it and then you eat whatever you want.
3. Some people suggest dressing for the phone interview but I don't think that matters. I do think you need to be able to concentrate (no music, children, dogs, etc... in the background)
In Person Interviews:
1. Ask what the dress code is when you schedule the interview. Then dress that way or one up from that. If they say casual then wear corporate casual. If they say business then make sure it is really besiness.
2. NEVER EVER wear sleeveless blouses/shirts or open toed shoes. Armpits and toes are gross. period. end of discussion. Even in Florida. There is no maybe in this. I don't care if you shave or not. You could have the sexiest armpits in the universe but they are gross in the office.

Salary Suggestions:
1. Negotiate perks before money. A lot of people seem to have a short attention span and money is usually the focal point of the salary negotiation but perks add up. I wanted more vacation than the standard time they gave and I got it because I said I wanted it and it was a sticking point for me being hired. I was accustomed to x amunt of vacation and didn't really want to lose any of it. I also discussed the fact that I wanted flex time, I work from home more than I used to because I said I wanted it. IF you don't ask, you won't get. If you ask for too much your future employers will think you are high maintennace so decide what's really important and go from there. I thought working from home and keeping my vacation were the most important things so I rallied for them. I debated a car allowance (because I travel a lot) but decided to not go for that because I thought it was too much. Get the perks written into the contract for hire or you aren't guaranteed anything. Don't sign anything unless those perks are there in the contract. You can say something like 'Oh, it looks like you forgot to write in the yearly weeekend trip to Bermuda that we agreed on' so but make sure it happens or you aren't assured anything.
2. Next money: Women still make 67 cents on the dollar, not because corporate america tries to short change us but because WE DON'T ASK. I have been working in IT since 1998 and I know I am one of the best consultants out there doing what I am doing but yet I still undercut myself all the time. In my last position I did a little research. I went to www.salary.com and I saw what the average for my field of work is in my location of the country and decided how much better I am than average (my manager would say I am in the 99% percentile but I I put myself in the 75% because I, too, undercut myself). I then decided what number I wanted to make. When it came time to negotiate my position I used facts from salary.com and my own press to explain why I needed to make what I want. I had recommendations from past clients and my annual reviews from my last job.
2.5 Make your future employer give a number. As soon as you give a number you lose, even if they agree to the number. Now I did give them the ball park of my last salary and my bonus and said that I expected an increase in compensation in order to make a move. You then need to negotiate to that number in your head. If they start higher than your number then everyone wins. If they come in lower say 'look, I did the research and I know what I should be making, and that number is a bit higher than you have suggested.' If they came in much lower than you suggested you may want to back away from the process altogether. They either don't know what the current rates are which means the HR department is dropping the ball or they are trying to lowball because they think they can get away with something.

Crazy Power Bitch...

This week I interviewed many many people for a position that my company has open and had to peer review someone's work so that they could get paid.
This is power at the local level.
First I want to state to everyone that I am a hack. Big Time.
I majored in biology and minored in art in college and now I am interviewing people for 6 digit paying jobs in Corporate America. My life ambition is to have a stained glass studio (not sell the glass, just make the glass) and I am critique-ing someone's work so that they can get paid enough money to buy my brand new car twice.
This, to me, is a dubious position that brings out the oppressor in me is really daunting strange. Now, I know I have power. I can send Noodle to her room, I can turn on the love light with Hubby, I can save a kitten from being put down due to the inability to find a home for her but this is different. This someone else's livelihood, sitting in my palm and I can set it free and basically give them a job (or money) or I can smoosh them into a nasty little pulp. This type of power has an interesting zeal to it. Except for one small problem, I am neurotic. I will know something, but then second guess myself repeatedly. So I interview these people and they may seem flat, dull, ignorant, incompatible with our corporate culture, annoying, full of shit not quite what we are looking for but at the same time I know some of them need a job. So I think should I recommend them eventhough they aren't quite right? I have very high standards, not many people are as good as what I do as I am, maybe I shouldn't be so judgemental.
Nah, fuck it. Most of my emails this week have read something like this:
Due to the applicant's lack of experience in the required fields we are interviewing for I cannot recommend this person for a position in our company.
My manager at this point probably thinks I have that as a draft email (I do) and that I just change the name from Dillon to Terry to Jenny (BTW - Jenny, when you are trying to be a lead on a project that implements a million dollar ERP system, people can take advice from Jen or Jennifer but not Jenny because she's from the block...mkay?).
And then I hope the person isn't about to lose their home, yacht, BMW, goat...because then I would feel bad. But then I sort of think 'whatever'.
The other thing I have had to do this week is look at Numbnut's work and see if he has completed the work he said he would do so we can pay him. Numbnuts is a contractor. A contractor is someone who is hired by either a company or a consulting firm to do a job but they don't work for either. They work, primarily, for themselves. They are the mercenaries of Corporate America. They are either very very good or very very bad. Numbnuts is very very bad. Besides his meeting etiquette, lack to deliver work and overall annoying ways (dear Dubyas: he makes liberals squirm because he is even a really annoying liberal) he work is crap. I took one of his configuration guides today and tried to set up two things using them and couldn't do either (the config guide is the bible of the type of consulting work I do, if its bad, it heresay). His work sucks. But I don't want to tell my managers that he shouldn't get paid because we all love money. And then I realize he has been a pain in my ass for 4 months and tell my manager his work sucks and he should redo everything if he wants to get paid because...
I.am.a.power.crazy.bitch.with.a.chip.on.her.shoulder.

Karma sucks, numbnuts.