One of my very good friends needs advice. She reads this blog so any comments you make she will be able to use to figure out what she is going to do. My friend is getting a divorce. This is a sad situation and has upset her family somewhat but I am sure it will all pan out for the best. She is supposed to sign the divorce papers and in the papers she needs to decide whether she is going to revert to her maiden name or if she is going to keep her married name.
Here are some facts:
1. She has two GORGEOUS children. Both children are old enough to explicitly state who their mother (and father) are.
2. Both her maiden name and her married name are nice names, I can honestly say one doesn't sound better than the other.
3. The divorce, although lame, has not been a knock down drag out nasty affair. There isn't a ton of acrimony unless she is hiding things really well.
Here is the list of options we thought out:
A. Keep the married name.
B. Revert to the maiden name.
C. Revert to the maiden name but hyphenate the kids names.
D. Change her nickname to 'Poo' and remarry a guy whose last name is Likker. Then her name will sound something like Poo-Tang Likker. (Props to Hubby for thinking this one up).
So far I have one vote for B (the voter said she would want to get rid of all vestiges of him that weigh her down (kids don't count), one vote for C (she lives in Mass, they like it complicated there) and one for D (from Hubby, of course). I never took Hubby's last name although Noodle has his last name. Noone has ever questioned my maternity although sometimes they call me the wrong name. Since I know who I am I have never had an issue with being called his last name, half the time I don't correct people. I think I would say A but that's mostyle because I am lazy.
You can vote anonymously if you want. If you have another idea please tell all.
Thanks.
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22 comments:
Really, I say she should pick whichever last name makes her feel the best... unless she is trying to pick up chicks and then she should go with poo-tang likker.
B. I think the practice of taking the husband's name is outdated (but my wife took my last name, despite me trying to convince her otherwise).
Does your friend have a professional reputation built upon her husband's last name (i.e. frequent speaker at conferences)? If so, for professional reasons, it might be best to keep the last name.
My Aunt kept her maiden name when she married (mid-1970s) because she had built an outstanding reputation in the local area. For her to change her last name would have been a professional setback.
hmm... tough spot.
as much as i love my hubby, i would change my name back if we divorced.
course i did hypen. so it would be easier.
Good Question, Anon. - She doesn't have a professional reputation to protect right now but she is moving back into the job market after a few years on haitus. I would say no to that question.
I did not take my husband's name when we married, which was all fine and dandy until recently, when my children (four and six) started campaigning for me to change my name, because they want us all to have the SAME name. And it's been a little stressful, frankly.
I think that, if I were your friend, I would hyphenate, and explain to the kids that she has their name AND hers. But I would put HER name last, and use it professionally.
I don't really think that helps.
I kept my name, but gave my daughter her dad's name, which I now regret. For the moment she has first, middle, last, my last - I'm trying to ease her into having my last name, since the two of us having different last names seems really tough. Thus my point (yes I am getting to it) - does she want to have the same last name as her kids? If she's willing to hyphenate her kids, I'd revert to her old name as a fresh start, as ironic as that may be. If she has young children, I'd keep her name the same as theirs just because it's SO much easier.
~Hell
A good friend got divorced and she kept the last name for her kids sake. The drama of the whole thing was bad enough, she didn't want to put more stress on it.
How long has she been married?
I would have kept my maiden name if I hadn't planned on having children -- but because, I had hoped to have children and I think it's nice for a family to share a name -- I changed it (oh, and because the Big Dubya refused to take my name).
Does she plan on remarrying at some point? I mean, is there a chance she'll be changing her name again?
I'd go with B. No question. (I might be a little biased though.)
:-)
I don't think most of our dads were particularly big feminists so using your maiden name might not really be making the political statement we assign to it. But if it will be meaningful to her in that it will reinforce her sense of self and independence then it may be worth the paperwork. The divorce itself seems to be a pretty big statement about those things, though.
I know we analyze the crap out of our kids all the time, watching them to see if any little thing will have a negative impact that we could have prevented, but maybe it's worth worrying about this: The big message divorce gives kids is 'apart because it's no bueno'. Are they young enough that they might interpret her name change as 'apart because it's no bueno' from them (since they share her last name)?
I say keep it. If she were childless, it might be different, but it will be easier for now. Less paperwork to change everything, which is a total hassle.
It's not unusual for parents and children to have different last names. I say she either revert to her maiden name or choose a new last name. When I got divorced I kept my married name, not imagining that 20 years later I'd still have it. I wish I'd changed.
The professional reputation question is the one I was going to ask. My ex kept my last name, and the only other divorced friends I have also kept their husband's names. But they didn't have kids...I think they were just used to it and didn't think it was worth the trouble.
Personally, I'd keep the kids names as is (since they already identify with that) and pick whichever name you feel most comfortable with for yourself.
I've totally lost track of the letter choices... My mother hates (HATES!) my dad and changed her name as soon as she could. She never took her second husband's last name.
I'll say as a child, it honestly bugged me that she changed her name. She gave some perfectly sane reason, I'm sure, but as a kid, all I heard was "I want to be rid of any association I had with him" which, as a kid, I thought included me.
I vote for her to keep her married name. If it was important enough for her to change in the first place, it's also one less adjustment for her kids to make. That's my very biased opinion.
So, Ms. Bimbo hit the nail on the head (I am completely addicted to reading your blog, btw, thanks to Arwen and am busily catching up on all your archives), what I worry about is the girls thinking I want to separate myself from them, and having to come to terms with the fact that even though we are no longer married, we are still a family come hell or high water, and the name to me is really more of a symbol of that I think than the marriage. Plus I wrote each name on a post-it, folded them and shuffled behind my back, so its decided, the "married" name remains to remind me that I have to be an adult and not go around stomping my feet saying "but I don't WANT his stupid last name!". Thanks for all the thoughtful advice everyone, and for the post Arwen, you completely made my day, especially when your Hubby made me snort coffee through my nose at 8:30am :)
Really the reason she is keeping her married last name is because her mother told her that is what she thought would be best!
yeah, right!
Grammy
I live to serve. I'm glad, too, that it doesn't have to be a twisty, torturous decision for you when the situation is hard enough. Stop by Gogo any old time!
I never changed my maiden name when I married, the kids all have last name..and its all fine. Of the kids are going to be traumatized by the change, then I wouldnt, if they don't care - reclaim her old name.
Of course the compromise, if you could call it that, would be to hyphenate the kids names...that is if they care
I used to think that if I divorced I would give myself a completely brand new last name.
Now that I have kids, I'm with "the friend". I'd keep the family last name.
My mom has a friend with a complicated situation. Three kids with two separate husbands (divorced from both). Two of her kids have one last name, the other kid has a different last name (her maiden name, because the father/husband is completely out of the picture - drug addict, thief, deadbeat, etc.). She changed her name to be hyphenated with the two last names of all of her kids, so that she'd share a name with all three of them.
*Phew* That was complicated.
I was a child of the exact same situation, except with tons of acrimony:
I kept the married name.
My mom kept her married name for legal, business purposes.
It's worked out nicely. So far.
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