She started by throwing a tantrum, no problem, it means it is nap time.
She bit me, I put her in time out.
She went to pee on the floor of her room in front of me.
I told her to go to the bathroom.
On the way to the bathroom she kicked the cat down the stairs. DOWN THE STAIRS.
She unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper while on the toilet.
She screamed bloody murder for 15 minutes.
I spanked her.
Yeah, I said it. I did something I don't believe in doing. It was right after I told her not to kick the cat and then she pretended she could Bend it Like Beckham with the cat. I swatted her on the butt. Once.
I probably did brain damage.
After I got her calmed down, through time out and asleep (yes, this was definitely a sleep deprivation issue) I cried and cried and cried.
How can I teach my child non-violence when I was violent? Her father has said 'it's ok.' Her teacher has said 'it's ok, she will be fine.' Our friend the psychiatrist has said 'I am more worried about you than her.'
I suck as a parent. This happened two days ago and I am still consumed with it. I am the adult and I let my anger get the better of me.
At least I didn't do this when she was a baby (or allow someone to do this to her):
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7 comments:
It's okay. I've done it too. I've felt terrible about it too.
The kid got over it way before I did.
But, but, she kicked the cat!
I think she'll be fine. Hope you are, too.
I did that to Bryce a little over a year ago. I'm still traumatized by it. There's so much more to it (for us) than the spanking, but for them, there probably isn't. We think through everything and play out all the scenarios and beat ourselves up for losing control when trying to teach them to control themselves, etc. etc. Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel...
First things first: you do NOT suck as a mom. Let's just be clear about that.
Next, this: the hardest--THE HARDEST--thing about staying home with a small child is that she is a SMALL CHILD, and thus, while TOTALLY cute and snuggly, is COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL, particularly when sleep deprived. And I know we're all smart, mature adults, but sweet jesus those kids! they can drive you batty.
I'm not a spanker, but I absolutely am a yeller, despite the fact that we are forever harping on our kids to Use Nice Words! And A Nice Voice! It's just really fucking hard sometimes.
Take a deep breath. Have a stiff drink. And remember this: at your WORST, you love her so much more than anyone else (her father aside) will EVER love her. And she knows that.
And you can ALWAYS e-mail me.
One swat does not constitute child abuse. She will not be emotionally scarred and you shouldn't be.
It's great to believe that spanking is an inappropriate form of discipline. The reality is that it happens.
Elcie's physical therapist, a lovely woman and a trained professional, smacked Elcie once. Elcie had bitten her on the shoulder and it was a kneejerk reaction. She was still in tears (the therapist) when she told me about it.
And I've done it as well, as recently as last week. One swat under much the same circumstances as yours with an older child. I felt worse than she did and I apologized once we had both calmed down.
I'm not proud of it but it happened.
A couple of things:
1) I swatted Jess once and we both broke into tears, so it didn't work for me, and haven't done it since.
2) omigod, Noodle deserved the swat. Had it been me, she would have gotten the swat at (sorta)peeing on the floor. Kicking the cat is completely and utterly over the top though.
3) She's testing her boundaries, if you dont' give in for 3 whole days she'll calm down and be a dreamgirl again. Jess and I go through that every little while, that testing of authority thing. It's rough, but ride it out and you'll be so glad you did. I find the less flexible you are during the 'testing' the easier and faster it resolves.
4) Imagine dealing with it as a single parent :P Now go have a drink and get a hug!
Join the club! We all have our breaking points and she certainly pushed you to yours..
What's going on in her head? Look into that..she totally had it coming to her but are you sure it was all about fatigue? Call me.
xoxo A
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